MD #218: What's Next
What's Next
Summary: Emily comes to see Atticus after Miri and Randy cleared out his head
Date: 13/11/2017
Related Logs: Level Four Incursion
Emily Atticus 
Recovery Ward - Deck 3 - Battlestar Orion
Emily comes to see Atticus after Miri and Randy cleared out his head

Emily had heard from some Marines that Atticus was in Recovery, but she couldn't divine why. It didn't sound serious. He had sent her away, though, and she'd not been allowed back to see him. It hurt and she was worried. As soon as she was finished with training, though, she put on fresh camouflage and went up to see him in Recovery. She's trimmed up just a little in the week she's been going through training and its started to show a little in her face. A little less round and a little more narrow to her chin. Its healthy. There's a distinct energy to her, also. It may be hard to see at first since the lights are probably kept low for him due to the headaches, but she does approach his bed slowly and with concern on her face that she just can't hide. "Sir Atticus," she whispers very, very softly. Someone probably told her to keep her voice down.

Atticus has not been having a great time of it since he woken after Miri's intervention. The drugs help the headaches, but they don't alleviate them, and they do nothing for the flood of memories that keep appearing him his head. Memories that entirely contradict everything he's known for the past 17 years. Right now he's curled up on his side with the blanket pulled up and wrapped around his head. It helps keep things dark, and lets him pretend that the world doesn't exist outside. Hearing Emily's voice he isn't sure at first if he's just imagining it or not, and he flinches involuntarily at the title given, but the cracks open a tuck in the blanket so h fan see out. The face that emerges is tired, worn, and has clearly been crying, but for now is just blinking at the light, however dim.

Seeing his face like that, Emily's own falters a little. Even despite looking tough in her spiffy uniform, the woman is still a person and has compassion. She pulls a chair closer and sits down by his head, resting an open hand on the bed, one for him to hold if he wishes. "Oh dear, Sir Atticus. I've been immensely worried about you. I heard you were in here and wanted to see you as soon as I could." Emi's face melts into a sympathetic smile. "I'm told you are in pain. Can I please stay? I do not wish to leave you if you are not well." At least she can say that and genuinely mean it.

Atticus drops his gaze from her as she calls him 'sir', apparently the title does. not come with the same pride it once did. For a few moments he can't look at her, or anything else really as he shuts his eyes. A hand does emerge from the blanket to take her's though, he might not be able to vocalise it for a moment or two, but his intent is clear. 'Don't leave me.' When the moment passes he opens his eyes again and looks to her, saying hoarsely, "I have done terrible things."

The reaction to his title is noted, but she doesn't go down that road. She will leave it alone for now and come back to it later. When his hand comes out, however, she takes it and gives a gentle squeeze. No, she won't leave him. There's a newfound determination in her that he'd not seen before, as well, but it sells the point that she won't abandon him. His claim to acts has her eyes lower while she considers how to reply to that. She ends up leaning forward to kiss the back of his hand before looking at him again. "Maybe you have. Maybe that was not really who you are or want to be. I wish that I could take the painful memories from you, dear Atticus. I know that you are a good man and do not deserve to be terrorized by things that the real you would not wish upon others."

As she takes Atticus' hand Emily will notice it's shaking slightly, trembling, but as it seems like she's going to stay he uncurls a little on the bed. Framing sentences appear to be hard though and there are a few abortive attempts before he manages to ask, "does it stop?" The headaches, the crushing guilt, the shame, the floods of memories once blocked. "I remember things or think I do, that are nothing like what I was told."

"The Doctor told me that you will be in physical pain for another day or so and it should fade away, they think." The Lady is kind enough to not mention the shaking of his hand. Instead she just clasps her other hand over his, too. "How you come to terms with what all has happened? That is something else. But I will be here to help you if you desire it." The last has her lower her eyes again and nod. "That is.. something I have had difficulty with as well. We have been told and told and told that we must be a certain way because our past was so terrible. The Machines were to be our saviours. Their Clerics have used our minds as playgrounds to build whatever they desire." She circles back, "Atticus, I have remembered shameful things I have done but do not wish to tell these people here who are giving us a chance. I am shamed. I am beside myself in the quiet moments. They are the burden and scar we carry, I think. The memories may stop flooding you eventually, the pain might dull, but that does not change who you can be in the future."

Atticus clearly doesn’t want another day of headaches, but news that they might lesson is something at least. "Should I not tell them," Orion's crew, " about them then?" he asks after Emily says she's keeping things back, "I has thought to make a list of those I could, so justice could be done." His hand grips her's a little tighter but he says nothing for a while, letting his gaze drop as another memory passes through like a freight train. He doesn't cry, although it's a close thing, and in the end he can only look back up to Emily with a silent pleading in his eyes.

"I think it unwise to issue forth admissions of guilt for what has been done. We both understand that it was not always us who did these things. Certain members of the crew will understand. But many will not. I think it safe to talk to each other but maybe not others. I believe that we do not need to tell them that which is not asked of us." Emily's hands still hold to his. "They have not asked about things I may have done or crimes I may have committed. If they ask for an official list, I will tell them. But until that date, I will not offer them. They are painful for me and I do not wish to relieve them. I imagine yours are much the same." Emily's eyes stay on him, "We cannot forget these things and our punishment is to carry those burdens, I suppose. Perhaps it is also a duty to carry these memories. We are walking testimony to the crimes of the Skath. We know things we cannot unlearn and have experienced it first hand. It feels terrible now, but when your mind stills it will give you a chance to catch your breath."

Emily's words give Atticus pause. He'd been working towards full confession and letting the Fleet do what they will, but now? He's not sure of her words, but it's enough that he'll stay quiet on things for now, give his head time. "They are painful, yes," he confirms, in more ways than one at the moment. "I… " whatever he was about to say does in his mouth and he looks down again. It takes a bit, but eventually he does manage, "what happens next?"

"When you are ready, we will talk about them. Those who we trust can help us if we need. Right now I just go day to day and focus on training. It keeps me from thinking too much. I keep hoping the memories will slip away, then days like today I never want to forget." Emily squeezes the hand again. "Next?" She shakes her head. "I imagine they will want to verify that you are not a threat to them. Then you will probably be presented with an offer to join them or not. I have elected to begin training and I did not need to renounce my titles. In fact, I will hold them as long as I can. I believe you should too, Sir Atticus. I saw your pained eyes at that title. I will understand if you wish to never hear it again, though."

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License