AWD #096: What You Want to Be
What You Want to Be
Summary: Ceres and Phin have a heart-to-heart involving Cylon brain projection.
Date: 12/04/2013 (OOC Date)
Related Logs: Captain Cylon, for the last, less cordial Phin/Ceres convo. This is set right before Convictions and Convictions
Ceres Phin Knox Morgan Samtara 
Recovery Ward — Deck 3 — Battlestar Orion
About half the size of the Medical Center, the Recovery Ward has fewer beds to allow space for those who are going through recovery. Rather than the drab gray of most of the center, the walls in here have been done in a neutral creme color. The beds are a little thicker and the blankets are actually present. There are a few clocks and the only other decoration are a couple of flatscreens that show muted movies from the ship's library. A couple stacks of old magazines are available near the door for nurses to pass around, too.
AWD #96

Blessedly Ceres has been able to sleep, though now she merely stares up at the ceiling, counting the minutes that pass in the measure of the marks that dot the surface. A sigh escapes her lips and she closes her eyes, a vain attempt to slip off as the chattering of the corpsman and nurses in the attached room to the recovery ward fills the air.

Restlessness is definitely still causing her to stir, pushing herself up to sit and shove her pillow down back behind her but she has some trouble, her injured upper chest causing her to hiss out and go still as if she pulled something.

Phin came by the Recovery Ward to visit Holtz, but the Major was asleep, or otherwise occupied, or in some state where Phin didn't want to disturb him just then. He's about to turn to go, when he hears the sounds of movement from Ceres' bed. He turns toward it, posture very straight, hesitating. But finally, he does approach her. He doesn't say anything right off.

The movement is enough to catch her attention and Ceres turns her head, slowing her progress with her readjustment. For the moment all he gets is a look in return, dark eyes meeting his. Finally she starts to ease back and addresses him. "Dolly, good to see you." Its that lilting Virgonese accent.

"Hey." It's short and a little terse, though there's no real hardness to Phin's voice. "Uh, how're you feeling?" It's kind of an obligatory question to ask someone in Sickbay. He doesn't seem to know what else to say.

"I can admit to having some better days," Ceres says, recovering from her initial surprise and following it up with a faint smile. She arranges the blankets about her hips. "One shot…out of here tomorrow." She explains and then looks in the direction that Holtz' bed is. "There is something I wanted to talk to you about, do you mind pulling the curtain a little?" She makes a motion with her scarred hand.

Phin hesitates, standing very still, but finally he shrugs to himself and goes to sit in a chair by her bed. After tugging the curtain closed, giving them some measure of privacy. "OK." The two syllables are mixed with far more than their share of wariness, uncertainty and curiosity.

Waiting for him to settle himself, she pulls herself up into a sitting position to better talk with him. "Look, I know you called me a liar. When you learned of who I was…my past. It was as true as it could be. I was not /awake/. I was not ever meant to be." She drags her hand through her dark hair and seems to consider the next portion of her words. "I would ask, that you will be willing to listen to the new truth, but you have to trust me just a little." She offers her hand to him.

Phin frowns, refusing to look at her as she says that. Though his eyes do fall to her hand, when she offers it. He doesn't take it straight off and, when he speaks, it doesn't seem to have much connection to what she said. "I've got some questions, Redux. Answer them and maybe then you can talk about whatever you think is the truth today. OK?" Blue eyes do finally tick up to regard her then.

Letting her hand rest back on the bed, Ceres considers him, studying as her eyes flicker over his face and finally meet his eyes when he deigns to lift them. A soft sigh and she nods her head, "Very well. Ask me." She motions for him.

Phin is hard to read, but that's not unusual for him. Except when it isn't. He's trying to glare at her, but he can't manage that, quite. Mostly he just looks very intent, and still very uncertain. "I guess…what I want to know more than anything else is…why? Why did the Cylons do it. Nuke the colonies. Kill so many people. Billions of people. Why? And why now? Why not…ten years ago, or ten years from now, y'know?"

The question is something that causes her brows to furrow, she turns her head looking down at her hands. "I do not know." She admits in a soft voice. "Maybe they were merely ready? I couldn't say why now instead of at a different time, Dolly. Look…my model? Nine? We are made to carry out drastic devastation at the cost of our lives. Suicides. We are sent in, expended and then forgotten. We do what we must." She sounds..disgusted and then rubs at her scarred hand. "What life is that? Dying…feeling the pain, the realization your life has ended and then to be reborn, remembering it all? That is no life. Why do I have the capacity to feel and bleed and breathe if that is all I am for? Because it's not."

"You were made to die, and take everything you could out with you." This makes Phin smile, but it's a grim sort of smile. He seems to find some very black humor in this. "Ares'd approve, I guess. If the gods approve of skinjobs, which I kind of doubt. I don't know, though. Die in battle, of a sort, die for a cause. Worse things to be made to be, all things considered." He shrugs. Considering her. Then, he reaches out his right hand, offering it. Like she'd offered hers before. "Say what you wanted to say."

"For what cause though?" Ceres looks up at him, "To kill you all. To replace your lives with soulless automatons." There is a sharp laugh, clipped, dry and she sighs. "Ares might appreciate it, but what does it do save destroy. I don't want to destroy." She states easily enough and then looks down to his hand. Hesitation stays her for a second, she slowly reaches out to take his and curls her fingers around his. "You trust me? Because I am going to show you the truth without words, without wariness. This will not hurt or harm you, but I want you to say you are okay with this."

"Not much is about the way you want things to be, Redux. Even when you think it might be, turns out it's not, so much." Phin closes his fingers around hers, not tightly, but clasping them. "No." That's his answer, to the question about trust. "But I…I figure, if you're going to frak me up, you've got plenty of opportunities to do it. Past and future. If you want to harm me, you'll do it. Or you won't. And I…" He trails off, swallowing before speaking again. "…I can't figure you out, Redux. Lots of whys, y'know? I guess I don't want to keep asking myself the same questions."

"Don't tell me that, Dolly. You at least have choices…" Ceres however gives a nod of her head. There is another moment of hesitation before she closes her eyes and lets out a breath. "Close your eyes…please." Once he does, there is nothing but the black of his eyelids.

The next moment there is the image of Caprica, and it warday, just as vibrant and painful as before. The next moment, the image of a fighter blowing up in the distance and immediately unpent rage and pain, anger, sorrow for the loss of Talkshow. The image changes immediately, standing on Piraeus with Knox, there is that sharp pain of loss again, but more…poignant. As if she was truly feeling it instead of a buffer. Rage. Utter anger and the need for vengeance, that coin dragged off from around her neck and thrown.

The images change once more, again and again. There is the feeling of finally being awake, of seeing the crew, her fellow wingmates wihtout any sort of filter. Paintball. The joy, the wariness, the uncertainty of being accepting, but the wanting to. The slowly building of affection and love for Augustus who flashes into view before Cole moves in to ruffle her hair and hug her. Surprise for that. But…joy as well. Acceptance.

But likely the most poignant memory, the image sharp and clear are Ceres and Phin sitting together over footage. Talking. Pride. A sort of connection perhaps. A familiarity she finds him that makes her feel at ease. Friendship perhaps. Then the night where they are in Charlies, dancing, showing off and she stops to watch him and Ygraine, a fondness there.

There is the attack by the mob in the hall near mess, the need to not hurt others, the urging and fear that rises up through her at their angry faces. The wondering if she deserves it and then the pain from the strikes.

Then its the prison on Picon. There is a fear, an uncertainty every time she walks past another skinjob. ALl the work to convince Lasseter to help, finding Naomi, knowing she is to be lost. The rage, the sympathy..the need to see her free. So she can live. Then its freeing each cell, unlocking it, leading them out to the Raptors and hearing Holtz is down.

Finding Holtz and in the process, having to kill a six. The utter pain, guilt she feels for killing her brother. The barely held together scraps of her solemness that urges them both on. The need to get him home, to his daughter. The humans that nearly killed her and him both, the one eyeing her up and down like she was slap of meet, the wariness, again fear.

Seeing Knox at her bedside, the love for her brother, the love for Augustus. Phin, watching her from afar, the want to say something, to bridge the gap swallowed.

She lets go, blinking, drawing her hand back quickly as she catches her breath.

Phin McBride is not the worlds' most emotionally open person. Even with people he actually does trust. But then he does close his eyes. "I just want things to make sense," he mutters. Like there's some answer, somewhere, that he can never quite put his finger on, that'll make everything he can't quite sort out in his head suddenly fall into place. Perhaps that's why he opens himself up, almost easily, to her. To all the feelings she shows him. In some yearning for something that makes sense, for better or worse.

None of what he sees is that. It's never that easy.

His blue eyes blink open again after that flood is over and he gasps, like he's coming up for air. Staring at her. He holds her hand a beat longer, like he's half-forgotten his fingers are still joined with hers, then pulls it back abruptly. He tries to say something, but the words don't come immediately.

Dark eyes meet his, there is an earnest there that never is, as if waiting on a precipice. Though he remains silent, she starts to shift and her hands move to the blankets covering her legs. "Phin?" She asks in a soft voice, swallowing as her face darkens in color, as if afraid, embarrassed.

She looks down at her hands, turning them palm up and flexing her fingers. "Please say something?" She sounds worried, a little hopeful perhaps and then stares at his own hands. "Look, I am sorry, I shouldn't have."

Phin holds his hands in his lap firmly. "I asked you to." Even if he didn't know he was asking for that. "What the hell was that? I…" He swallows again. "It was like…like I could see what you were…feeling…" The idea both awes and scares him.

"You were seeing memories…emotions are strong emanations through those memories. It is what we associate with them. Smells, sights, sounds…emotions." Ceres tries to explain all of this and looks up at him. "I am certain humans could express themselves through projection, you just do not know how yet." Her dark eyes find his and she rubs at her hand. "I wanted you to know, that what I told you is true. You are a great pilot. I am.." she swallows and clears her throat, "I am proud of you, Dolly. Out of everyone…you are going to be something. I believe this."

"I don't if I'd want to…" Phin murmurs, at the idea of expressing himself like that. He closes his eyes at what she says about him, shrugging. Then opening them again. The look he gives her is direct, and composed. "I'm probably going to die fighting Raiders, Redux. That's what I'm going to be. And maybe…there are worse things to be, so maybe that's not so bad. Not a bad cause, all things considered." Like he's trying to convince himself of it, though he doesn't seem afraid of the prospect. It's something he's lived with in his head long enough that he's past really dreading it. "You really think it's that easy? That…what, you can just be one of us because you want it bad enough?"

"No…no nothing is ever easy. If it was easy, would it be worth having? It's hard. The emotions when I first woke up were overwhelming. I was terrified, uncertain, I…I almost asked Knox to put me back to sleep. But it was the acceptance I got..from everyone. Without that buffer. It was the feeling of, home, that changed everything. What was a going to fight for back with the others? Nothing. Just complacency and being used. You have so much…so much to be thankful for. Love, friends, the ability to be your own person. That is something worth protecting and I know we are alike in how we keep ourselves bottled up," here she grows serious and her brows furrow. "Don't. There is a time and place for it. Sometimes its better to be vulnerable."

"It does feel like home here…" Phin mutters, thoughtful about that. The rest of that makes him shrug and look away from her. He doesn't actually respond to any of it. What he does say is, "People want to change all the time, Redux. They can't, though. I figure that goes double for machines. So. What makes you so special?"

What he says causes her to frown and then look him over. "I am not a machine, I am a clone." Ceres intones for his benefit and finally she lets out a breath. "Special? Because I want to belong. Its not a matter of changing a habit or a tendency. Its wanting to live…to be part of something. To live with those I respect and consider worth living for. It was not an easy change, it was confusing, and sometimes, still is. BUt how does one change? With the help of others…the support. I am lucky to have my brother or none of us might be sitting here this day."

"So you say." It's still unclear what Phin makes of that, though he can't flat out deny it anymore. "Maybe. It's never that simple, though. Nothing's easy." He stands. "I should…umm…" He finally doesn't bother making up an excuse as to why he needs to leave. Though he doesn't pull the curtain back right away. He pauses again, still regarding her. "That stuff you showed me…thanks, I guess. It was…I won't tell anybody." He seems to think that might be important, even if he can't quite articulate how. Maybe just because it was so personal.

Ceres is sitting up in bed, the curtain mostly closed on her little section and a soft conversation going on inside. Phin is visiting, it would seem. She offers a faint smile up at him, "Whatever you wish, Dolly. I shared because I trust you." She nods to him then as he moves to take his leave. "Thanks for coming by…it means a lot."

Phin has been visiting Ceres, with the curtain closed. He's been talking to her for some time, though in low tones. That was private, whatever it was. He pushes back the curtain, looking a little drained. And very thoughtful.

Dr. Nadir carries a cup of coffee with her as she makes her way into the recovery ward, having decided that she'll heal better if she's on her feet and working. As going bulkhead crazy and driving all of the medical staff nuts while asking for one chart or another was .. driving everyone crazy. A stack of charts later, a couple cups of coffee, there was probably food in there somewhere.

The medical staff are moving around the room, following their normal routine, when Lieutenant Morgan leads four MPs into the recovery room. He signals for the guards to stay near the hatch. Then he surveys the room until he spots the charge nurse who is talking to the recently rescued civilian, Alexandria Reyes. He beckons to the nurse when he sees her looking in his direction. When she comes toward him, he instructs in an official tone, "Nurse, please tell Dr. Nadir that I need to speak to her immediately." The nurse asks a question and Morgan shakes his head. "No one is injured, but this is important. Please bring the doctor here."

Dr. Nadir looks up as the nurse in question waves her down, back tracking to the hatch and spotting - easily - the MP's accompany Lt. Morgan. A smile forms on Nadir's face as she's walking toward Morgan, even though the MP's that accompany him are given a rather odd look. "Lt. Morgan," another glance, "and company."

As Phin starts to draw the curtain open, she clears her throat, "Dolly, a moment, if you don't mind. I would want to know if you are comfortable with me flying with you again?" The Captain attempts to forestall him from leaving for the answer, lifting her hand slightly to motion in his direction.

Phin turns back to Ceres, regarding her a beat before saying simply, "I'll fly with you, Redux." He avoids answering to the 'comfortable' bit, but he's clear enough about that much.

Morgan takes a slow breath when he sees Nadir's friend and welcoming smile. Then he nods. Squaring his shoulders, he answers with cautious formality "Doctor Nadir, I have orders." He glances down to a folder in his left hand, and then meets the doctor's gaze. "They involve one of your patients, Ceres Garrido."

Cooper glances to the MPs at the hatch as he walks in. He waggles his brow at them and keeps on moving, heading over towards Ceres and Phin. "Sir," he greets the Viper pilot with a nod. To Ceres, he gives her a thumbs up. "Glad to see you up and moving. Was going to see if you felt like goin and getting a beer. Give us some time to talk over what you'd mentioned the other night. Think you can get your permission slip signed for a field trip?" Yeah? C'monnnnnn. "You know you want to."

"Orders?" Dr. Nadir replies, looking down at the fold that Morgan is holding then back up again. "What kind of orders?" she asks, easing back from the smile that she'd been wearing in response to the formality in Morgan's tone of voice.

A nod is given back to Phin, simple and appreciative by the way her lips turn up. "Thank you." That said, she looks about ready to settle back in, dressed in her sweats and tanks instead of a gown. Knox' appearance brings a bright smile and she lifts a brow. "Not sure…but it would be nice to head out." She admits and starts to sit back up. "Think they would miss me?"

"Sergeant." Phin's replied greeting to Knox is carefully neutral, but it's polite enough, and he nods back. He's generally nothing if not a well-mannered young officer. He crosses his arms along his chest, also suddenly very curious about what's going on. Blue eyes go between the Marines, then to Ceres. "Field trip? Thought you just got back."

Morgan again takes a breath. He looks at the folder, and then offers it to the doctor. "See for yourself," he advises. "I'll also need to know if she is fit for travel." Then he looks past her to see Knox crossing the room. His frown tightens and he throws a quickly look at the four guards flanking the door. In response, their postures stiffen.

Coop smirks to Phin. "Field triiiiip as-in I was thinkin on heading down to the motor pool, parkin our happy asses on a tank, and talkin about what happened on Picon. If you want to go, sir, you're welcome to join. No secrets. Never know what you might learn." He nods in encouragement. Glancing back to Ceres, he chuckles. "Pshhhhh," he snorts. "Whatever. You're fine. You've been shot more times than it matters anymore and you spend more time in here than most Marines. That's sayin' something. You'll be fine. C'mon." He pats the bed. "Haul up, soldier. You could use a night to unwind, I bet." He takes a step back to allow her to get up. "I'm leavin, beer is waitin'. You coming or not, crankypants?" He can't help the grin.

Grumping slightly as this last comment, Ceres eyes him with a long glance and then snorts. "YEah yeah, let me grab some shoes." Setting down off the bed, she moves her shoes into view and quickly wiggles them on, slamming her heel into each in turn. Not the prettiest way to put on sneakers, but it works. "Alright…lots to talk about." She admits and glances to Dolly. "Beer and gossip, you get the same thing out of the wing, but welcome." There is a light motion with her hand before she moves to follow in step with Knox, wincing as she touches the wound high on her left side. "Ugh…but this is why I fly and don't do ground forces."

"I think I'm going to rack out, if it's all the same," is Phin's reply to Knox's invitation. "Long day." To Ceres he simply says, "Later."

Nadir accepts the folder and opens it to take a look at the contents contained therein, her eyes moving as she scans the top page before she lifts her eyes from the page to Morgan. "This isn't a joke," not making it a question but more of a statement. She extends one hand to hand the folder back to Morgan but shakes her head. "Captain Garrido is a patient, and I am not adequately appraised of her current medical condition in order to sign off on such a release, Lieutenant. The physician of record is not, in fact, on duty at the moment. What precisely is it that you're intending?"

Morgan nods somberly to the doctor's assessment when she returns the folder to him. While she continues to comment on Ceres's situation, and the need for input from the physician of record, he listens quietly. "As you read in the order, she is no longer a Captain." He nods toward the curtained area, to Knox. "And he is no longer a Sergeant," he adds. "By order of Rear Admiral Jameson, both are prisoners of war. They have no rank. Their security clearances are void at this time. They have no rights under colonial law." He pauses to take a breath before he continues. "My … intention is to move them to the brig in order to comply with the order. If you she is not capable of travel, then I will post a guard here until she is, or until command issues fort her orders regarding her disposition."

Knox snorts a laugh at Ceres' remark on the wound, offering an arm. "Not so easy, is it? Course, then again, Vipers haven't exactly been kind to that hand, now have they?" Coop glances to it with a teasing smile. To Phin, he tosses a two finger salute off his temple. "Copy that, el-tee. Maybe next time." Looking down to Ceres, then back up, "I'm not carrying you. Walk it off. Besides, there is nothing beer cannot cure. Broken arms, legs, hearts, minds, pride, or even just a little ricochet? But a little beer on it." Sagenod. He starts towards the hatch, helping her if she needs it before hearing the lifted voice and he stops, looking back towards Morgan with a perplexed look. "Huh?" Very intelligent, Cooper.

"I can walk, I wasn't going to lean on your smelly self anyways," she remarks deadpan but offers Phin a less ironic reply, "Very well, Dolly. Hopefully see you in the sims soon." Hopeful if ever, though the comments cause her to miss some of what Morgan says. But she catches the last and turns to him. "She? I can walk, we were going to get something to drink." But then she is looking between the two and furrowing her brows, giving Knox a nudge to move for the hatch. "Come on…before I have to sign something."

"I see," Nadir says after a moment and turns toward Ceres and Knox as Morgan explains, at a loss for words - which doesn't happen often.

Despite the 'Later,' Phin lingers. Morgan's words get a blink of surprise. Surprise is probably the only clear reaction from him. He doesn't outwardly celebrate, at least. He tries to catch Ceres eye, to offer her a parting shrug. It's not without a kind of sympathy, though he doesn't seem to know how to react apart from that.

At a nod from Morgan, the guards block the entrance and their hands move to their sidearms. Morgan looks at Ceres and Knox. Then he shakes his head. "You won't need to sign anything," he advises. "As of 20-hundred hours local time, you are officially prisoners of war by order of Rear Admiral Jameson. You will surrender your insignia, and yourselves, peacefully to me." He nods to the guards by the hatch. Then he adds, "Because both of you are able to travel, my people and I will escort you to the brig where you will remain under guard until further notice."

Knox glances to Ceres. "No, hold up. I think this is about us." He gestures for her to stop, looking back to Morgan and Sam. Hearing the words from the officer, Knox's expression goes flat. Hands lift to unzip the combat blouse as he looks back to Ceres. "I was trying to head this off, Cer. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you," he whispers solemnly. The uniform shirt is removed and his Marine Corps and ANGLICO tats are on display. He offers the shirt to Morgan. "Aye, sir." This day has taken a decidedly bad turn and its reflected when his shoulders sag. Apparently Knox is going quietly.

Ceres is not about to hand over her sweats, in fact she reaches for Knox' arm but can not stop him from removing his shirt. She frowns some and shakes her head, "No, its fine." But there is a coldness to her eyes before she reaches up for her tags and then slides them off, letting her dark hair fall around her before offering them over to Morgan. "I am not going to disrobe, thank you." That said, she can wait to change into civvies later, in fact she looks to Phin, "Dolly, I have one set of civvies in my locker. Bring them to me when…if you can." She intones.

"No one is disrobing," Nadir says quietly. "Period. If the cap- " she cuts herself off, mid sentence, "if Ceres needs to surrender rank insignia and such, thats one thing. But there is no call for any indignity ti be vusited upon either Cooper or Ceres," whuch HAS to be the furst time she's called either by their first name, somewhat of a stickler for formality.

"Sure," Phin promises simply to Ceres, with a small nod. "I'll drop them by ASAP." He looks to Morgan. "I can run to get them now if that's the way this has got to go, Lieutenant. No trouble. There and back in under ten."

Morgan takes a step toard Knox and Ceres, and when the former removes his shirt, the lieutenant takes it and carefully folds it over his own arm as if it were his own. When Ceres refuses to disrobe, he shakes his head. "I don't expect you to do that, ma'am." A subtle thread of kindness manages to seep through his formal words. "I appreciate your cooperation, and I assure you that if you have civilian clothes, I'll personally see that you have them as soon as possible after we reach our … destination." He glances to Nadir, and then to Phin. "Lieutenant," he says to the latter, "See that you secure the clothes and bring them to the Security Hub. If you cannot stay for some reason, leave them with one of the ensigns and tell him or her that I am expecting them."

Coop glances to Ceres removing her tags, but he makes no move to take his off. He listens to all of this, expression grim. Samtara's words get a nod from him. "Congratulations on the promotion, Captain. This crew needs you, sir." And that seems to be the extent of what he has to say. No rights? No status? No law to protect them? Coop is just going to be quiet for now and wait to be led away.

A nod to Nadir and Ceres remains silent as well, not saying a word save for the faint thank you to Phin and one for Morgan. Her lips press together and she waits, no protestation, nothing. In fact she looks ready to follow, finally breaking the silence. "Show us the way, el-tee. Please.

"Thank you, Mr. Knox," Nadir says with a glance toward Morgan and back. "I think this crew needs you two, both of you," she adds as she glances toward Ceres next. "I promised that you would be safe as long as you're in this sickbay. I meant it then and I mean it now. I will speak for you, both of you," she makes this solemn statement and turns back to Morgan. "I'll secure the attire and bring it to the security hub."

"Yes, sir, I'll get them now. And I'll wait there for you," Phin says, turning to hustle off and do that. He doesn't even pause to ask Ceres for the combination to her locker. But he's confident he can finesse that part.

Morgan closes his fingers around Ceres's tags and chain after they drop into his hand. "This is a surprise," he admits. "I understand that." He looks from Ceres to Knox, to Phin, and finally to Nadir. At last, the glint of her insignia catches his eye. For an instant, a warm smile breaks through his gravity, but he bridles it quickly. "Thank you, doctor. I'd like to talk to you as well, when I've finished with securing these two and when your new duties permit." THen he looks at his charges, and nods. "Let's go."

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License