AWD #276: Past and Future
Past and Future
Summary: Some people find it easier to let go and look forward than others.
Date: Various
Related Logs: An Old Kinship
Kelsey Toby 
Observation Deck - Deck 3 - Battlestar Orion
The Obs Deck is one of the more quiet areas on the Orion where people can come to get away from the hustle and bustle that goes with of the rest of duty on the ship. The front of the room is a very large armored glass window to allow a dominating view of whatever is out ahead of the battlestar. Seats rise up at even levels, plush chairs and couches provided for the crew to relax in. During Condition One an armored plate is lowered down to cover the view and prevent the room from becoming a hazard and seal tight.
AWD #276

Kelsey is parked, taking a much-needed break, on the Obs Deck. Clad in her flightsuit, a meal tray tossed aside on the set to her right, she stares tiredly out of the glass window at Picon below. Evn with her break of a few days its still showing stress. Kelsey looks a little older, but not by much. With the flightsuit rolled to her hips, he looks like she wants to pass out but her eyes are welded open by the stims. Its been a really long couple weeks.

Dressed in his coveralls and carrying a tin mug full of what smells like deck coffee in one hand and a sandwich from the mess in the other, Toby ducks into the Obs deck. Meal break it would seem, only he's taking it with a view. He's tired, as is the rest of the ship, but his eyes are still lacking that distinctive redness and faintly crazed look that would indicate he's hit the drugs. His first port of call is the window, so he can stare out into space for a while in silence as he chews. It's not until he catches sight of her reflection that he notices Kelsey, but once he does he turns and gives her a brief nod.

Kelsey turns her head, partially rolling it to see who comes into the obs. She blinks a few times, eyes lazily following him. Seeing the Deck member in the reflection, there's a tired smile waiting for him as he turns to look at her. She waggles her fingers. "Hey." She gestures to the uncluttered chair on the other side. "Want to sit while you eat?"

Toby is good enough to finish his mouthful before he answers, which takes a few moments. "Ensign," eyeing the chair a few moments he then shakes his head once, "thanks, but if I sat I'd probably sleep and I've a while to go yet." He does move closer though, even leans against the arm of one of the settees. Taking a swig of coffee he asks, "you watching the stars, or the planet?"

"Heh. I was the same way when I was on Deck," she muses. "Eat while standing. If you sit down, its hard to get your momentum going again." But she's sitting, yep. Then again, she also sits in an ejection seat when she's doing most of her heavy lifting. "Little of both. Mostly just thinking about my parents and my house. I ws thinking about this time, just before I found out I was pregnant, we were all sitting around the table planning a vacation for the following Summer. My dad was super excited because my mom and I wanted to be really nice and do what he wanted to do for once. We were going to go learn how to do flyfishing and take lessons then do a guided tour up through some river on Aerilon. The smile on my dad's face was the biggest I could ever remember." She sighs, staring at the window while she speaks, then lifting her gaze. "Come to stare off and look for something in particular?"

Toby listens in silence, or near silence anyway as there's the odd chew and swallow going on. "You know," he starts, looking at Kelsey but only via her reflection, "up until ten months ago I couldn't've told you if my parents were alive or dead." Taking a drink he mulls that for a moment as if it's not something he's considered before, then shrugs as there's nothing he can do about it now. Another sip and he glances back as she does, offering a valient attempt at a slight smile that sadly falls well flat of it's target. Eventually though he confesses, "I came to look for dots."

"That's sad," Kelsey says quietly, looking up to him. She just watches him for the time, his lean, his face, and particularly that smile that falls flat. "Its on the other side of Picon right now," Kelsey whispers. She wets her lips and looks down. "Do you feel like you might have left some things unsaid with your parents? Or are you finding any kind of peace with that?" Not a question to the overall genocide, just the personal attachment.

"With my parents?" Toby repeats, before he's shaking his head slowly. "No," he answers, strightening a little, "no, I think we said all we were ever going to a long time ago." He glances down into his drink briefly, then takes a long swig. "There were others once, but no, I lost the family I gave a damn about a long time before." Reaching one hand up to rub the tiredness out of his face he glances towards the planet a moment, then asks, "come find me sometime when it isn't?"

Kelsey listens to Toby discuss his parents and the idea of leaving it as it was. There's a shallow pain there and she looks down. "As a mom, I'd be devastated if something like that happened with my daughter. But I wasn't there. I haven't had your life. But that hurts just to imagine." She doesn't touch the part about Toby's other family for the moment, not until he seems like he is going to walk away. "Toby, don't do that. Please. Talk to me. At least let me know what's on your mind. You don't have to do this alone."

Toby doesn't move just yet, not beyond the motion needed to drain the last of his drink at any rate. Shifting his gaze back from Picon towards Kelsey he's stuck for a moment or two on just how to reply to that, and there's a quick glance round to see just how many others are about who might be listening in. Once he's confirmed to himself that they are unlikely to be overheard he replies, "what's on my mind? Same as has been for months, only now we're back here it's all that much more real again." A pause to rub at his face again, then he struggles on. Not being the universe's greatest expert on trying to express himself by means other than his fists. "I dunno. I guess at Pireas it was all about the future, moving on. Stuff could be buried. Back here? Not so much, I mean it's right there." There's a vague gesture towards the glass and the planet beyond. "Like I said, I dunno."

Kelsey looks up from her downcast eyes and nods slowly. "Yeah, I guess its a little different when you don't have to see the war in your face like the Marines and Wing does. Maybe it is a different outlook." She doesn't dare call it better. Hands clasp in her lap and she crosses her legs at her ankles. "Do you want to bury anything, Toby? Are you even looking to get past it?" Pointed, but its asked gently.

"Ask me that again when they're all dead," Toby replies, tone disinctly more certain but not raised or lowered. "Once the millions they killed can move on to their proper rest, then I hope. Before that though? How can we afford to?" Forgetting the remains of his sandwich for now he adds, a little harder. "I saw my home burn, I watched and there was nothing I could do. I fought for her before and I would have done again only I couldn't. The least I can do is send my people to their rests."

Kelsey nods her head slowly, looking back down. "I suspect its different for a lot of people. If I hadn't had my breakdown on the Deck I'd probably have been pulled from the line. I had to deal with it and try to accept it. Bury my daughter and family." Only to find her later? That must have been one insane roller coaster. She wets her lips and looks back up to him. "Do you believe that carrying your anger like you do represents the will of your people and family the best? I'm not judging, just looking to learn. …Have you thought about trying to get together with other Taurons and talking things over?"

"Yes," Toby replies bluntly, "until what must be done is done, then those of us who remain are in a kind of limbo, just like the dead." He seems to be on much firmer ground here, this he knows well. "Tapping that, it's what keeps us going, reminds us who we are and what we need to do. Without it? We might just have settled on Pireas, forgotten the past, stuck our heads in the sand until the toasters found us and wiped us out for good. Left the dead to suffer." He looks away at that, the idea clearly repulses him and he stares at the stars a while to calm himself once more. "I won't claim to have spoken with all, but while our ideas and methods differ, most agree on the principals." Mostly Dio, to be fair, but others too.

Kelsey remains quiet, staring at her hands while she thinks on that. Its something that obviously sits close to her own heart, but maybe in different ways. "I don't know that I agree we need the anger so much as the focus. But I get my own focus every time I come back here. This is my home. Or, well, it was. Maybe its just different for me." Her eyes lift back to the window, but not her head. That stays bowed a bit. "I always knew Taurons tended towards angry.. or maybe just passionate. But I'd never really known one for real who had lost people like you all have. Most of what I saw came from movies and TV shows." The stereotyped Tauran on a mission of revenge, blowing up action movie theaters everywhere next Friday. "Do Taurons ever put things down? I mean, I don't think I'll be a pilot forever. If we survive the war I'll probably do something else when the fighting is over. Do you think about that for yourself?"

"Call us what you will," Toby replies, although if that's 'dirt eaters' he'll likely punch back, injured hand or not. He's remains looking at the stars, not Picon, not through Picon to what lies beyond, but to the stars. "I've heard priests say," he continues slowly, "that when all becomes dire, and we struggle to sustain ourselves, that another bountiful harvest will be created for us. I've wondered, from time to time, if that is Pireas." There's also the bit about said harvest being created by the slaughter of a sacred bull, but with Tauron a nuclear husk that's cutting too close to the bone to vocalise. "Beyond that though? No, not until the task is done. The living must avenge the dead, then we can see what is left for us after."

"I think I'd rather just call you all passionate," Kelsey whispers, looking back to her hands. Hearing the repeat of the words of a priest, she sighs. "I think it might be. For all of us. I guess, you know, not everyone was supposed to make it, though. I think its a lot of baloney, even arrogant, to say we were chosen. But I look at some of the people here and the circumstances? The long odds? I can't decide who its a disservice to if we don't believe in something larger… us or the Gods?" She swallows. "I guess I can see your anger, though. Just don't let it consume you, okay? I worry about you all down there on the Deck. Especially people working near my old field. Its close to home for me. Which, I guess this is now. Home."

Toby doesn't seem to have any particular feelings withway when Kelsey states her prefered label, replying to the point only with a single slow nod. "I'm not a priest, I don't claim to be able to interpret divine will, I have no idea if we were chosen or not. It may be that some were, and some are just a chance of fate, it may be that we are all one or the other. I don't know and I suspect I never will, I suspect none of us will." He doesn't respond to the rest immediately though, but shifts his gaze back to the planet, or more accurately, through the planet and out into why lies beyond. Or ries to at least. Then, swiftly, as if acting on a decision made in the silence he stands straight again, no longer leaning against the furniture. Turning away from the glass, and back to the pilot he offers, "I'm glad you have found it so, and I hope it remains that way for as long as you need it to be."

Kelsey doesn't have any more to add about chosen or divine will. She just looks out at Picon with that blank, drugged-out stare. His sudden turn to her has her gaze rise up to him, though. She refrains from trying to dig too deep, but instead poses something simple to him: "You can't accept this ship or Piraeus as a home, can you? …We could never be more than people you work with, could we?"

"This ship?" Toby repeats, seemingly caught a little off guard by the question. "No. This ship ship could never be home." He doesn't seem terribly keen to elaborate on that point though and moves on quickly. "Piraeus? Maybe," he gives a faint shrug, "I can't say. There is too much to be done between now and then, too much could change." Her comment about the crew though, that gets a slightly tilt of his head as he looks at her, "work with, live with, fight with, are friends with. Some more so than others, but all of those to some degree or another."

Kelsey shakes her head, tilting it away as she looks down. There is not an immediate response from her, in fact it seems to be distinctly lacking. Her eyes are low on the glass as if watching a distant star. "I noticed you left off family." The young pilot is very still except for her breathing. "I hope one day you can find peace, Toby, and that your people can, too. If there's ever anything I can do, let me know."

Toby watches Kelsey in silence for a few moments, then replies lightly. "You remember the bit where I said I couldn't have told you if my parent's were alive or dead. You'd want to be a part of a family like that?" He shakes his head slowly. "The crew aren't my family. Individuals?" Another shrug. "Dio's likely the closest thing I've had to a brother in a long time, but then we're both Tauran, we both lost everything. Sure, he's Minoan, but that's by-the-by." Ditching the last remains of his sandwich inside the now empty mug he starts to make a move now, adding quietly, "show me my home again. Show me where to look, or if there's a raptor going that way, take me there. I would see her again."

Kelsey shakes her head, not looking up. "I don't want to be a part of that. But there is the family you're born with and the family you choose, hon." She tucks her hands into her sides, hugging herself as if cold. She waits a few moments to his last request while she orients herself in the sky. Those blue eyes focus on Picon and she lifts a hand and finger to aim through the planet. "Tauron will be visible in probably about forty-five minutes? Maybe an hour? Its right over there." Her hand draws back and she looks back towards the colony of her birth. "I'll let you know if we get out there again. Just make sure its for the right reasons. As a personal hope? Don't ask to go if you're only looking to rekindle your anger. Don't burn yourself out. Please."

Toby pauses in his step, turning to follow her finger, memorise where it points to, the stars above the curve of the planet, any detail he can. He's not an astronomer though and so asks quietly, almost as if he's ashamed of himself for not knowing. "How will I tell which dot?" As her hand withdraws he starts to move again, although back a few paces towards the view this time. Giving no immediate answer to her final comments, just in case what he says sets her mind against the request.

Kelsey looks back to Toby and looks a bit sad. "It used to be brighter. A bit of a red tint to it. Now its a dull grey dot in the distance." She sounds apologetic, but slowly rises from the seat afterward. The tray is taken up in her hands and she looks down to it. "I'll see if we can get there one day." And she moves off..

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